


i had to find you, tell you i need you

by valentulum



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, post breakup fic, v sorry, yikes this hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 15:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9330812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valentulum/pseuds/valentulum
Summary: "it’s been five months, one week and three days since they broke up. she can’t remember the hours.it’s best for her, if she thinks about kara danvers as little as humanly possible."





	

**Author's Note:**

> needed to cleanse my writing palette with a little tiny snippet of angst. no happy endings to see here, folks! title is from the scientist by coldplay. as always, please hit that kudos button if you enjoyed and your comments, critiques and anything else you have to say is greatly appreciated!

it’s been five months, one week and three days since they broke up. ~~she can’t remember the hours.~~

 

(if lena’s being _completely_ honest with herself, she’s been counting down to the second)

 

she _chooses_ not to remember the hours for her own sake.

 

it’s best for her, if she thinks about kara danvers as little as humanly possible.

 

lena tries to not think about her smile, which crinkles at her nose and a little at her eyes. she tries to not think about her laugh, how it’s not delicate in the slightest, yet the most beautiful thing she’s ever heard. she tries to not think about her lips, and how they felt on her own, how they felt on her neck in the morning after a long night of exploring bodies and exchanging secrets.

 

instead, lena thinks about the facts. kryptonian. blonde. five foot seven. reporter at catco. if she can boil her down to nothing more than data, she can (almost) sever her emotional attachment; she can just see kara as another variable in the database of lena’s altogether _thoroughly_ disappointing life.

 

but, as lena has learned in the past weeks she’s been (not so creepily) watching her at the bar on friday nights, it’s highly difficult to forget someone you love so damn much.

 

really, she’s been torturing herself, it _has_ been months, after all. but lena just _needs_ to see kara, she needs to _hear_ her.

 

a small part of lena wants her to be miserable without her, to be absolutely broken and crushed, ~~as much as lena is without kara,~~ but lena wouldn’t with that pain on anyone, not even the woman who had held her heart in her hand and decided it was too fragile to love. lena can't deny that what went wrong in their relationship was mostly her fault. it was because of her insecurities, her baggage, her hesitance, her emotional walls that kara decided to break things off. she can't blame kara, either. lena knows she was a wreck for the year or so they were together, and went into it knowing.

for that, lena was a fool, and the blame falls squarely on shoulders and hers alone.

lena takes another swig of the cheap beer she's been nursing for the better part of an hour. it's gone lukewarm by now, and the beverage feels sticky and entirely too sweet as it slides down her throat. she glances over at kara again. now, she is laughing at something, presumably a joke, that winn told her. she pushes her glasses up her nose, and lena can't help but feel an all too familiar ache in her chest.

_lord, she's so beautiful._

and now kara's looking at her.

_fuck._

her, and her i-came-straight-from-the-office outfit and her fragile expression.

if there's one thing lena's never quite managed to learn over the years, it's how to not look broken when the people that have hurt you are staring back.

lena downs the rest of her beer quickly and manages to pull on one sleeve of her coat before -

"lena. um, hi."

"kara... hello to you as well," lena's frozen in place. she probably looks ridiculous, with one arm in her coat and staring helplessly at her ex girlfriend, but lena doesn't have enough processing power in her brain left to calculate her next move.

an uncomfortable silence hangs in between them.

"you, um, look well," lena says, stilted. she pulls her coat on the rest of the way.

"thanks, i..." kara trails off, looking at her feet. lena swears she can see the slightest reddish tint in her cheeks.

(perhaps this is wishful thinking.)

"you know what? do you have a minute to talk? i know it's been a while and things have been weird and we haven't exactly been in contact but i just thought..." kara bites her lip, thinking, "i just thought it would be nice. to catch up. _becausei'vemissedyou_."

lena can barely discern the last sentence, but it brought a slight smile to her face nonetheless.

"i'd be lying if i said i didn't have the time. i'd also be lying if i said i didn't miss you, kara."

they take a seat at lena's booth. she studies kara, for the first time up close since they broke up. it's relaxing to lena that she hasn't changed a bit. logically, she knows that she's nearly invincible and barely ages, but still, kara's continuity is comforting; she feels like **home**.

and all of a sudden, lena's throat is closing in and her breath is caught in her chest and this bar has become entirely too enclosed for her and she just needs to leave and-

"i'm sorry, i thought i could... i have to go."

she hurries out of the bar, pushing past dozens of people in a panic before she catches her breath on the street corner outside. the rain feels cooling on her cheeks, but her insides are twisted up and aching, as if they'd just been thawed.

this was a bad idea. she should have never been watching kara. she should have never gotten involved with kara. their relationship had been beautiful and soft and warm and fulfilling, but now all she felt was a longing to fill the kara shaped void in her life. she _needed_ kara.

but lena supposes she's just too fragile to love someone as strong as her.

lena walks to her car, and drives home in silence, trying desperately not to think about kara.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @ actuallywinnschott


End file.
